Do as the title says and don't bother reading this. No really, don't. You've been warned. Not that anyone, nearly, even bothers to read these.

It's about time I faced up to the fact that I'm depressed. Just about 24/7. I did a bit of research the other week aswell, and the probable best guess is that it's Bipolar II, which is, according to what I read

Bipolar II disorder is characterized by hypomanic episodes rather than actual manic episodes, as well as at least one major depressive episode.

Hypomanic episodes do not go to the full extremes of mania (i.e. do not usually cause severe social or occupational impairment, and without psychosis), and this can make Bipolar II more difficult to diagnose, since the hypomanic episodes may simply appear as a period of successful high productivity and is reported less frequently than a distressing, crippling depression.

This explains those very rare and very brief periods of time when I'm actually productive and creative. This happens maybe three times a year, at most. The rest of the time, I'm depressed. Did you notice? Probably not because I don't go wallowing in self pity about it. It doesn't stop me from doing day to day things, usually. So I go about my day like anyone else. I'm usually ok when I'm talking to people, or around them. The second I'm alone though, that's a different matter. Today, or more correctly tonight, is the worst it's been in I can't remember how long.

I can't sleep. I'm dead tired, and I can't get more than 5 minutes sleep. If I was still in bed right now, I'd just be laying there, still awake, still shit off about it, and still getting no sleep. I tried sleeping on the couch, same deal, nothing. Yes, I have insomnia too, great isn't it. I've never been able to sleep well at night, well except for when I'm so tired that I just about pass out in bed from it, or the first month or so that I moved here to Belgium and before my body clock had figured out that the time here is 10 hours different to Australia. Never had a problem sleeping during the day though. Hell if I could go to bed at 10am, and slep it 4 or 5 pm that'd be great. I can sleep like a baby that wants to sleep during those hours. Come 7pm though I can't sleep worth shit. Not until about 5 minutes before the alarm goes off. I've got constant back ache too now, so that's just making things doubly fun. Yippee fucking ha ha wee.

I hate my job. Oh but who doesn't hate their job right? Do you wake up at 4am each morning though wishing it was already 6pm Friday? Do you wish that you could just punch a brick wall until you break your hand so you didn't have to go to work for the next six weeks? That's how I feel every bloody day. No I don't go hurting myself on purpose, doesn't stop me wising I could though. Get a new job you say? Fat fucking chance. I have never, ever gotten any job that I applied for. And I've only ever gotten as far as 3 interviews. I have no skills. I'm sorry, but at the age of 12 I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do as a job for the rest of my life. Maybe if I did I could have chosen the right subjects, and worked at getting the right piece of paper to get a job I wanted. Sorry for not being precognitive. Or perhaps even if I did it wouldn't have made much difference, after all I'm not the greatest of students. Sure I passed almost everything in my last year of high school. Didn't get anything higher than in the 70's either. There's also the fact that I still can't read, write or even speak the language here. After three years. I'm studying from a book that is supposed to be learnable in 6 weeks. I've had that book all week and guess what, I'm still stuck on lesson 1. I can't memorise shit. I read the book, but nothing goes in. The only words I can remember are the one's I've managed to pick up myself at work. I'm retardedly fucking stupid when it comes to learning languages. I got 15% for German in high school. Yes 15%. It probably doesn't help that since I can't sleep, I'm always tired. Always. Even when I pass out and actually sleep properly, then I oversleep and wake up, you guessed it, tired still. So I'm stuck for the next 30 odd years working in a shit job I loathe, working hours that keep me perpetually tired, because we need the money. So unless we win the lottery, which isn't likely to happen as we all know, I'm stuck in the shithole that is my job.

Right now I'm so fucking annoyed at myself that I feel physically ill. My desire to do just about anything is nearly none existant. No seriously, you could name it and right now I really care to do any of it just about. Breathing and having a beating heart I don't have to think about, so they don't count. Just about everything else though in the entirity of existance and beyond is meh to me. What, even sex you ask, afterall every guy in the universe always wants sex? Guess that means I'm not a guy any more then, coz I really don't care for it anymore it seems. Or maybe I'm just shit. Take your pick, I really don't care. Hell there's about a billion toys and devices and what not that could be bought at any sex shop that would do a better job than me anyways.

So it's 4:30am sunday, can't sleep, so I guess I might just go lay on the couch again for a while, doubt I'll get any sleep at all tonight. Trudge my way through sunday, go to bed around 7pm tonight, not sleep again, and go to another week of shit work feeling dead tired. Lather, rinse, and repeat add norsium.

So if you did read this, well sorry for wasting however many minutes of your life you wasted doing so. I told you not to bother reading though. I just needed to get this shit off my chest, so just ignore it and go about your normal day.

Oh and before anyone says or thinks otherwise, No there is no problems betwen me and Deb. She's my one ray of sunshine in all this crap, without her I'd have been a wreck long ago. She's the reason I get out of bed every morning and face whatever craptastic crap is sent my way. I love Deb more than anyone could possibly imagine.

End of journal. That's all.

~Matt

Love you always Deb

Took me long enough to let the world of da know, but we're back online. Have been for a few weeks. Nothing to post though so business as usual there. Not that anyone really reads these. I know I don't post anything for ages, so no one really watches me anymore

Woke up this morning from a shitty dream. Shitty dream is shitty.

That is all.

Take care
~Matt

Love you always Deb

Moving. No internet. Bye til then.

Take care
~Matt

Love you always Deb

That ******* *** ******* **** ******* **** ****** ***** ***** tagged me with this ******* ***** ** ****** **** quiz thing. So now I have to ******* ** **** ****.

1. tag 10 people (not the one who sent it to you!) - screw this rule!
2. answer all truthfully -Screw this rule
3. take it in public! -Screw th--- oh wait.
4. tell all taggees on their profile that they have been tagged,
and link to your journal - screw that rule too.


[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/I've had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[ ] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[X] I have piercing in places besides my ears.(Had, an eyebrow piercing)
[X] I have freckles.
[ ] I hate my dad.
[ ] I hate my mom.
[x] I have a brother.
[x] I have a sister.
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
[ ] I'm in school.
[X] I have a job.
[ ] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[X] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[X] I've stolen something from my job.
[X] I've been fired.
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[X] I've broken a bone. (Not any of mine though)
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor's office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[X] I was born in a different country.
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[X] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.
[ ] I'm single.
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[X] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[X] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I'm bi.
[ ] I'm gay.
[X] I've had sex.
[ ] I've had phone sex.
[x] I've cybered.
[ ] I've had sex in public.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[X] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[X] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[X] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed.
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[X] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[X] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic. (I see an overweight person every time I look in the mirror, but I do nothing about it )
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I've woken up crying.
[ ] I'm afraid of dying. (Not afraid of actually dying)
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[X] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga. (My obsession is perfectly healthly thank you)
[ ] I own a plushie of my fave character from anything.
[ ] I own a cosplay outfit.
[x] I know what cosplay means.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books. (I used to, had something like 500-600 comics)
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[X] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news. (It's all in a foreign languaue to me now)
[\] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[X] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I twirl my hair.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[ ] I've worn pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[ ] I am in love with love.
[x] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[ ] I loath lables.
[x] I like action movies.
[ ] I like horror movies.
[ ] I like chick flicks.
[ ] I know the most random facts about things people have never heard of before.
[ ] I can't spell.
[x] I treasure my friends.
[x] I think of others before myself.

[x] All of those are answered honestly.

I tag no one, because tagging is for ******* *******.

I had a whole bitch rant that I wanted to post, but I can't be bothered, so you get this instead.

Take care
~Matt

Love you always Deb

Anybody out there that reads my journal and cares to, you can join my EPL tipping league for the coming season. Just go to [link] and sign up, then join my league. The league code is 352251-84137

For those that don't know, EPL = English Premier League = Football/Soccer.

And no, I'm not a football fan, I just like management games

Take care
~Matt

Love you always Deb