Do as the title says and don't bother reading this. No really, don't. You've been warned. Not that anyone, nearly, even bothers to read these.

It's about time I faced up to the fact that I'm depressed. Just about 24/7. I did a bit of research the other week aswell, and the probable best guess is that it's Bipolar II, which is, according to what I read

Bipolar II disorder is characterized by hypomanic episodes rather than actual manic episodes, as well as at least one major depressive episode.

Hypomanic episodes do not go to the full extremes of mania (i.e. do not usually cause severe social or occupational impairment, and without psychosis), and this can make Bipolar II more difficult to diagnose, since the hypomanic episodes may simply appear as a period of successful high productivity and is reported less frequently than a distressing, crippling depression.

This explains those very rare and very brief periods of time when I'm actually productive and creative. This happens maybe three times a year, at most. The rest of the time, I'm depressed. Did you notice? Probably not because I don't go wallowing in self pity about it. It doesn't stop me from doing day to day things, usually. So I go about my day like anyone else. I'm usually ok when I'm talking to people, or around them. The second I'm alone though, that's a different matter. Today, or more correctly tonight, is the worst it's been in I can't remember how long.

I can't sleep. I'm dead tired, and I can't get more than 5 minutes sleep. If I was still in bed right now, I'd just be laying there, still awake, still shit off about it, and still getting no sleep. I tried sleeping on the couch, same deal, nothing. Yes, I have insomnia too, great isn't it. I've never been able to sleep well at night, well except for when I'm so tired that I just about pass out in bed from it, or the first month or so that I moved here to Belgium and before my body clock had figured out that the time here is 10 hours different to Australia. Never had a problem sleeping during the day though. Hell if I could go to bed at 10am, and slep it 4 or 5 pm that'd be great. I can sleep like a baby that wants to sleep during those hours. Come 7pm though I can't sleep worth shit. Not until about 5 minutes before the alarm goes off. I've got constant back ache too now, so that's just making things doubly fun. Yippee fucking ha ha wee.

I hate my job. Oh but who doesn't hate their job right? Do you wake up at 4am each morning though wishing it was already 6pm Friday? Do you wish that you could just punch a brick wall until you break your hand so you didn't have to go to work for the next six weeks? That's how I feel every bloody day. No I don't go hurting myself on purpose, doesn't stop me wising I could though. Get a new job you say? Fat fucking chance. I have never, ever gotten any job that I applied for. And I've only ever gotten as far as 3 interviews. I have no skills. I'm sorry, but at the age of 12 I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do as a job for the rest of my life. Maybe if I did I could have chosen the right subjects, and worked at getting the right piece of paper to get a job I wanted. Sorry for not being precognitive. Or perhaps even if I did it wouldn't have made much difference, after all I'm not the greatest of students. Sure I passed almost everything in my last year of high school. Didn't get anything higher than in the 70's either. There's also the fact that I still can't read, write or even speak the language here. After three years. I'm studying from a book that is supposed to be learnable in 6 weeks. I've had that book all week and guess what, I'm still stuck on lesson 1. I can't memorise shit. I read the book, but nothing goes in. The only words I can remember are the one's I've managed to pick up myself at work. I'm retardedly fucking stupid when it comes to learning languages. I got 15% for German in high school. Yes 15%. It probably doesn't help that since I can't sleep, I'm always tired. Always. Even when I pass out and actually sleep properly, then I oversleep and wake up, you guessed it, tired still. So I'm stuck for the next 30 odd years working in a shit job I loathe, working hours that keep me perpetually tired, because we need the money. So unless we win the lottery, which isn't likely to happen as we all know, I'm stuck in the shithole that is my job.

Right now I'm so fucking annoyed at myself that I feel physically ill. My desire to do just about anything is nearly none existant. No seriously, you could name it and right now I really care to do any of it just about. Breathing and having a beating heart I don't have to think about, so they don't count. Just about everything else though in the entirity of existance and beyond is meh to me. What, even sex you ask, afterall every guy in the universe always wants sex? Guess that means I'm not a guy any more then, coz I really don't care for it anymore it seems. Or maybe I'm just shit. Take your pick, I really don't care. Hell there's about a billion toys and devices and what not that could be bought at any sex shop that would do a better job than me anyways.

So it's 4:30am sunday, can't sleep, so I guess I might just go lay on the couch again for a while, doubt I'll get any sleep at all tonight. Trudge my way through sunday, go to bed around 7pm tonight, not sleep again, and go to another week of shit work feeling dead tired. Lather, rinse, and repeat add norsium.

So if you did read this, well sorry for wasting however many minutes of your life you wasted doing so. I told you not to bother reading though. I just needed to get this shit off my chest, so just ignore it and go about your normal day.

Oh and before anyone says or thinks otherwise, No there is no problems betwen me and Deb. She's my one ray of sunshine in all this crap, without her I'd have been a wreck long ago. She's the reason I get out of bed every morning and face whatever craptastic crap is sent my way. I love Deb more than anyone could possibly imagine.

End of journal. That's all.

~Matt

Love you always Deb